Here’s the second of previously started writings that I never got around to posting. This, I believe, came from early September of last year. Why did I choose this one? It’s a fair question. I think it’s rather significant, and there’s a lot that goes into thoughts. This of course becomes personal, and possibly egotistical, but ah, perhaps it’s time you met more of who I am. As I’ve reached this kind of milestone, I think it’s due time for some memories and that oh so fun and lovely thing known as nostalgia. With that, I begin.
“We’ve stumbled upon something. Because God is unceasingly thinking about us, we continue to exist.” Approximately what my best friend said, though with less of her finesse or characteristic speech patterns. It’s highly likely that I just did both an injustice.
A while back, we were discussing superpowers, of all things, and the idea of being able to think someone to you. However long you’re focused and thinking about them, they remain present, and it’s only when they leave your mind that they return to wherever they were. Naturally, this power is something that should have a number of caveats, like some amount of control as to when it works, otherwise you might have dozens or even hundreds of people popping into existence next to you for the briefest of instances.
Though of course, my mind would definitely turn its attention to such individuals, and well, there goes my peace and quiet.
Lately, I’ve been thinking about… people… a lot. I guess it’s just in our human nature, to have others on our minds. My time at work is devoted to focus on people. There’s that connection that every interaction needs to have, and it’s truly a life skill to have, being able to touch people with the most basic of things.
Well, what more basic and heartfelt way is there than a prayer for them? That’s often what happens at work. Whenever there’s a lull in the number of incoming guests and while I’m maybe cleaning or restocking something, I might ask that my mind be focused on who it needs to.
An odd feeling, instinctual in nature, was what struck me. It was at 5pm today, and I had no idea what caused it. There I was, having an immensely enjoyable time at work, when suddenly I felt it internally, like a shiver that lacked the icy surroundings. It’s hard to be sure, but I knew in that moment that something wrong had happened somewhere.
I couldn’t be sure if someone I knew had been affected, and so I did the only thing I could: asked God to help… someone out there.
*The physicality of my power is of course, limited – but by the universality of the Church, I can go quite far indeed. This is perhaps part of the beauty of faith, that we can believe and hope in goodness, even if we might never see the results of that which we hold to.
It’s like… Legacy. You don’t get to see what remains in the aftermath of your leaving, in your wake. Lots of people are concerned with what sort of mark they’re leaving, what lives on beyond them. I can only hope that I make a good impact, whether physical or spiritual. I want to bring my loved ones home with me. I don’t want to lose them. That’s the mark I wish for, the mark of those I surround myself with, living evermore.
When I started writing this blog roughly four years ago, I never thought that I would end up where I am today. If I try to think back and remember what I was concerned about at the time, it was probably the next fun Scouting activity I would attend, or perhaps the upcoming youth group meeting with 1×1 at Saint Maximilian Kolbe, or maybe not looking dumb in front of some girl I was trying to impress.
Back then, I was more girl crazy than in recent times – shocker, I know – and I do apologize to anyone who has seen me in such a state, at any stage of my young life. In conjunction with that, I was a more violent, more boisterous, and more brash character, things which I must again apologize for, as they are traits not yet vanished from who I am.
Still, there were positives. I was a more avid reader, a person who was keen on drawing and making art in various media forms; someone who was not easily distracted or dissuaded from any goal, no matter how preposterous. I loved really getting outside and breathing life in; not taking the heavens down to me in my confinement, but instead shooting upward to place myself among them like the many skyward sparks from the fire that I built with my own two hands.
Over the years, with each piece of media absorbed, I began to take on different characteristics of the people I saw, both fictional and not. I believe I’m a very “feely” person, a very empathetic fellow, and oftentimes, being that sort of character can get me into good and bad mindsets. In time, I took on the fun childishness of the Doctor, the witty cynicism of Fish, the imagination of Rose, the determination of Will, the rage and guilt of Batman and Daredevil, the force of Kestin and Edict, and the foolish hope of… oh, that might actually be mine.
The point is, I’ve changed, and more than I could have expected. When I began, all those years ago, I never expected that leaving Scouting would push me onward to new adventures in Trail Life and Saint Gertrude. The funny thing is, when I worked at Camp Friedlander, during staff week, we took a trip to St. Gertrude’s for an early Sunday Mass, which was one of my first experiences with the church. And again, St. Gertrude’s returned when my older sister was leading me and my peers through the Ad Altare Dei religious emblem program, when we went there for vespers with the brothers. Again, a third time, when my family was exploring different parishes, it almost became our home parish. Almost. And I think there was a very good reason for it not being so.
The reason? If we had taken to Saint Gertrude, everything that is now, College Kenosis, my membership in the UC Society of Saint Paul, my role as an Altar Server at Annunciation, all of that would be nonexistent. Perhaps even Eagle Eye would have been lost. I can look back on those moments now and understand why things went a certain way, I see where the Spirit led me on this long road.
Thus, with the present hardships I’m facing, I can hope for the day that I get to look back on those and say: “Yes, this led me to the great here and now, and I wouldn’t change it for the world.”
I’ve been fortunate in my life to have been a part of many great communities: Tang Soo Do, Cub Scouts, Boy Scouts, Sacred Heart of Jesus Homeschool Group, Kali, St. Max, The RPG Group, Trail Life, St. Gertrude, my year’s P&G Resident Scholar Program family, Chick-Fil-A, The SSP, Eagle Eye and my fellow Eaglets, the CState Crew, and others that I’ve forgotten.
They all had or currently have their turn in forming me, and the people I have met have been guides, friends, and companions all. I’ve lost a lot of them over the years. Some faded from memory, some through my own fault, some with a heartfelt farewell, and some with a promise of renewal in some future day.
My legacy, my very heart, has been in my friends and family. That’s why I think of them often, why they still exist to me in all the greatness that I knew them as. They have been and always will be my spirit, and my strength is in them, no matter how much they change and vanish into their own futures, their own separate paths, and no matter how weak I myself become.
The weight of life is heavy, and it is painful to carry alone, we all know this. As I’ve changed, feeling a strange vulnerability that I hardly experienced in younger years, as my eyes were opened to this world I live in, others were my guardians, and they saw me through the most desperate of times.
That’s who I am. I am many, yet one. I am the amalgamation of my experiences, I am the countless lives I have dreamed, but most importantly, I am the son of the Most High.
I am… Migi.
To everyone in my life, thanks for being part of my journey.