I’m not a high schooler anymore. Hope that’s clear. No, somewhere along the line, I got old, grew up, and then suddenly I found out that I’d become a college student.
I’ve got all sorts of projects now, from CAD drawings and figuring out classes to the late night/early morning cycle that continually tests and proves that I’m not as young as I once was. And I’m too young to say that, so clearly, something is wrong here.
At any rate, got through my first week, and naturally, that’s when life decided to kick me in the face and make me er, slightly sickish. I survived, clearly, and I’ve decided to return the favor by kicking homework in the face. Especially math. I love math. Especially finding the solution at the end. There’s something extremely satisfying about that moment where everything clicks.
That part where all the gears align, all the pieces of the part you’re building just fit together, and every second feels ordered and centralized into one straight path.
And yet, I’ve become restless again. You’d think having a schedule and things to constantly keep me busy would solve that, but no, now, after only a week, I’m yearning for a different kind of adventure than the one I have staring me in the face.
A longing to leave. Just like a toddler receiving a gift it really wanted, I got school and busyness all over again. It plays with it for a moment, and then it gets bored and decides it wants to move on to the next thing. How unsatisfied I am with all that God’s given me right here and now!
I’m clearly the exact opposite of Saint Therese, who – by the way – I’m reading about right now. Her Story of a Soul is great, but it’s also showing me that I have nowhere near that type of spirituality. Not necessarily a bad thing, as there’s still her simple, lovely, childlike attitude to aspire to. However, while she knew that she could trust that the Lord would show her the world from the convent, I instead wish to go and be out there.
I want to travel out of this comfortable part of the world that I exist in right now and see the realities that others face. I want to go visit the Holy Lands; walk the length and breadth of Italy as I follow in the footsteps of Saints; see the Incorruptibles; return to Lourdes and make a more fervent and understood prayer as I enter its waters; trek the 500 miles of the Camino; and visit every single Marian apparition site.
I want to known as the traveler, the wanderer, simply seeing all that I can see of God’s creation before my time here is up. A dream that I can only hope to fulfill one day in the far ahead future. Part of me enjoys the familiarity of my surroundings, but the other desires a separation from it, not as part of any sanctioned travel, but just me, going and seeing what’s really out there! A step outside this comfortable little bubble I live in, to face something so… beautifully intimidating in its magnitude. After all, once you’ve had a taste of something great, you can’t help but want to go back.
When I was a child, I walked the streets of Rome; traipsed alongside the waves of Pescara, Italy; played in Vatican square; swam in the waters of Mexico; survived the blazing heat of the Philippines; and well… got sick in France, haha.
I remember praying my way up the steps of the Scala Sancta; seeing Padre Pio’s incorrupt body; and standing in awe of the Miracle of Lanciano.
I never really knew what I was doing there though, I didn’t really breathe it in. I was a child, unable to really grasp what I was seeing then.
Why are all these memories only rising to the fore now? Maybe because I’ve forgotten how to dream. I love this place, this home of mine here, but it was through dreams that I explored. And now, lacking those dreams that took me beyond my reality, I desire instead to bring the former into the latter.
If it’s His will… then I hope to go. Once I’m done with my degree, then I intend to head out. Finish what I started, then a new adventure. Maybe it’ll happen, maybe it won’t, I’ll just have to wait and see. It’s only a matter of time.