The First Day

Well, here I am, in college, sitting in one of the cafeteria… things.  Bakery Hill, to be exact.  Brilliant place.  Very cozy, well, mostly cozy.  With a first class at 11am, I’ve got quite a bit of time before I need to get anywhere.
I appreciate the fact that my fellow college…. goers… keep to themselves quite a bit, but it’s less lively than I’d like.
I partly feel like moving to a more secluded area, partly like suddenly attempting to joke around with random people.  That part of my psyche, for the sake of my psyche, I shall stifle.

It’s interesting to observe the things happening around me.  A whole range of cultures all together, simply… being.  I think I’ll enjoy the atmosphere.  It’s quite homely, honestly.  Perhaps I shall approach random humans and find my Catholic brethren here.

Anyway, what am I saying…?  Right, the first day!  First days are packed with all sorts of happenings.  First days are when you step, blinking, into this new, distinct world that is high school, college, a job, or lots of other things.  It’s a unique experience, and I think that they’re to be appreciated highly.  Slightly intimidating, but that might just be me.  I was walking around for a good 20 minutes, looking to sit down away from other people, but finally, I settled myself – in complete opposition to my normal routine – in the not quite center of the room.
I’m still here, in fact.

Oh, and now, I have reached the “1 hour and 30 minutes left until the first class” mark.  The anticipation is mounting.  My bag is just sitting here, and I don’t much fancy picking it up again, but whatever.  Twiddling my thumbs, waiting.

~ Time is slipping through my fingers, If I’m not living then I’m losing, losing, The sound of every second passing ~

I’m mostly certain that I saw a Catholic person, which is quite joyous.  And right now I happen to be staring out the window at a prime hangout spot on a stairwell.  I think it’s the south, by the position of the sun, but my calculations tend to be inaccurate.  Slightly inaccurate.

1 hour and 15 now.  English Composition.  English Composition.  English Composition.  That’s when I get to learn how to better structure my writing, because right now, it’s pretty unstructured.  Although that in itself is a structure.  I believe it’s called flow of consciousness.  Modified of course, to fit the needs of a blog post, but yes, this post is less ordered and more chaotic than my others, perhaps due to the fact that I am now in a school environment.

What I want to say about first days is rather short and to the point.  Be excited!  Be ready for a fantastic year, and view it not as a hardship, but as an opportunity.  You’ll meet people, you’ll (hopefully) learn new things, and you’ll have an adventure that will last in your memory.  In a good way, just to clarify.  And if you’re worried, put in the hands of God, and just do your best.  That’s really all you can do.  So just do it (Yeah, I’m referencing that video)!

Well, I’m off now.  Time’s passing by, and I’ve got just a little over half an hour until my class.
“Let’s see what we’re made of.  You… and I.”

-M

Movement And Resurgence

First off, I included a video here.

No, this isn’t a strictly writing blog, but it does have heavy emphasis on it, because… well, I have yet to get into serious photography and filming.  Might happen, you never know.  Perhaps I need better materials, but at any rate, I digress.

School at C State starts this Monday!  That’s always exciting.  It’ll be quite an interesting year.  A new beginning.  Having been a homeschooler for so long, I’m curious as to how this transition process will go.  Oh well.  I’ll adjust eventually.

Resurgence!  The great stage of revitalized revisions has randomly been placed here and now, and I have no idea why I’m writing a number of R words, but there you go.
What with a Freedom Award Board of the Review on the horizon (some people will get it), school starting the 24th, a kick-off event for SGYM the day before, and numerous activities ahead in the summer, how could I possibly be… discouraged?

Yes, I’ve been a bit out of sorts lately.  Scholarships, and future plans that involve Industrial Design, as well as the SAT and college admission timing, have put my head out of whack.  I think this “calm before the storm” is the moment that will test me most.  I’m in limbo, as far as life is concerned.  Well, no, maybe that’s inaccurate.  Having a good amount of work to keep me busy, but not so busy as to be completely wrapped in its embrace.  It’s a lovely moment, or would be, if worries didn’t keep cropping up, and frankly, it’s going to be a bit of time before I’m fully back on my feet, as far as most things are concerned.

So, as an attempt to speed that process… I do have some things that might help me rediscover some form of clarity.  This post is, actually, one of those things.  Surprise, surprise.

Right!  Consecration.  Total Consecration to Mary.  Took place on the 16th, which – technically speaking – counts for the 15th!  The Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary.  It was a glorious feeling, standing before the Mary statue at Annunciation church.  I stumbled over the words for the consecration quite often, but I finished it, and here I am now.  It’s a promise.  A lifelong one.  It doesn’t guarantee Heaven or make me a better person just by saying the words.  It’s a devotion I have to live out.  To Jesus through Mary.  Veni ad me.

Not many of the present moments are easy, whether it be adjusting to a much earlier waking time, or simply taking care of my younger brother despite my being in an exhausted state.  With each hardship, there is also a chance at self-mortification, a word I’m pretty sure I’m using correctly, but doubt, at the moment.  A chance to atone and sacrifice, and thus gain a better understanding and self-control in our lives.  To reach higher.  Verso l’alto!

With that spirit of sacrifice in mind, I am also constantly tested in the spirit of charity.  Confession to make, I’m a very judgy person.  Not sure whether I’ve said that before.  An expression, a word, or just the appearance of a person can raise some shields on my part.  It’s a great fault of mine, and one that I constantly catch myself falling into.  So, moving forward, with that message to myself, I shall battle onward in being more charitable in the way I think of people.

Yeah, this is one of those posts where it’s just like… yeah… that’s me.  Experience and unity work wonders together, I will say.  Right, so..!

I’ve had a brilliant three months of summer, and I am genuinely looking forward to getting back to school.  There’s so much to learn and prepare for, and I just hope that we – yes, you too, oh reader of this… thing – approach the new school year with that endgame in mind, not focusing on the things that we have to leave behind, but the brilliant opportunities and people that are before us.  There is so much we miss if we’re too caught up in the past.  Not to say that we shouldn’t learn from the past, but it requires… balance.  Onward.

-M

Back Into The Fray

I was out of it for a long time.

These past few months, I’ve been out of state, I’ve removed myself from the outside world, and I’ve retreated into myself.  Not all at the same time, you understand.

A trip to Michigan has been quite enlightening.  It was a welcome distraction from reality, but it still brought the point home.  I’ve still got a few weeks before school begins in earnest, but before that, I had a chance to ride up and leave the state, staying with my close friends for days on end.
Before we reached that point, I was with my brother, just the two of us, riding upward together.
It was our adventure, just driving on the road, him at the wheel, and me… trying to stay awake so as to “direct” him.  My services were unnecessary, to say the least, but it was our chance for quality time before we would be the RPG group reunited.

We listened to music, we prayed a 20-decade rosary, we drank Ale-8 and visited a college campus.  It’s those moments that truly make me appreciate what we share as brothers.  Not always getting along is a side effect of brotherhood, but regardless of that fact, here we were, taking in life as one.  It also reopened my eyes to the fact that it wouldn’t last forever.  Sooner or later, it’s got to end, and in the short-term, school starts.  The long-term, however… well, we’ve all got to grow old, don’t we?  We had brief talks about life, and on occasion, girls and life.

I was aware of that moment, fixed in time for the briefest of instances, and already it was passing me by.  It’s only onward, onward, ever onward.  Lump in the throat, I’ll admit, when I think of how much time is going to change everything.  My siblings will probably be grown up and married/ordained/consecrated in the blink of an eye, and I… well, no idea how my life is going to go.  Blessing and a curse, as it were.

Watching Over The Garden Wall a night later didn’t help that thought.  It got me thinking about death and everything just before it, how bits of you are chipped away slowly, until it’s time to go.
Well, this is depressing for just before midnight.  I’m not exactly pleased with how this is turning out, but I’m going to keep going until I crash.

So, my brother.  My older, confident brother.  I intend to pray for him and many others, because beneath everyone’s mask is a vulnerability, and sometimes it shows.  At times, it can be controlled, but the world has a way of wearing it down… and yet other times, making it stronger, and often with the wrong tools.  Evil tools.

What am I trying to say, in my exhaustion?  I am making an effort to take in the moment before it passes by, and yet I’m afraid that it already has.  There are certain points in time that I wish that I could take back or return to… but then again, don’t we all have those?  I’m trying to show that effort, that steadfast battle, interwoven throughout our lives.  What battle am I talking about?  The fight against time itself.  The one you can’t win, because you’re not meant to.  Everything has to end, because if nothing ended… then nothing would ever get started.  And yet, here I am racing towards a certain point as quickly as possible, then trying to stay in that moment as long as possible.  Like Susan Pevensie, possibly with more “silliness” or stupidity.

Everything keeps moving, faster and faster.  I love speed, I love the thrill of running to and from something with all the swiftness in my body, but when it comes to time and life… I want it to freeze.  Freeze and be replayed, over and over, like a video that is just worthy of being rewatched until you’re sick of it.
I want summer to leave and stay at the same time.  I want school to come and go.  I want life to be fitted to my desires… and that’s wrong… because I can’t ever have it that way.  The nature of things is that they come in go, whether it be life, or people, as they strive towards a better future for them and their loved ones.

It’s selfish of me to want to keep my family, and my circles of friends forever.  If I had my way, they’d be living where I could be with them every single day of my life, until my mind melted from the sheer stress of interaction.  They’re in me forever, something I have to keep reminding myself of… and, I have to keep repeating to myself, “not in this life, not now”.  I’m not even sure that it’s my voice.  Speaking of voices, I hope to God it’s a good one.  I hope I’m listening to the right ones.
Veni Sancte Spiritus.
Yes, happily ever after.  Not here, simply because it’s the world, and the world is not Heaven.  The glory that is Heaven is where happily ever after exists.  I’m willing to bet on it.

Bet my life.

The cycle of studying, of working, of living, is just going to continue.  I’m simply in a part of time where I’m attempting to look at the big picture, and becoming afraid because of it.  Oh, blast it all, I’ve got to go back, no matter what I do.  In the end, it all comes back around.  The long way round.

My fear is an ongoing thing, I must confess.  In my moments before I fall asleep, it’s there.  Then I remember to pray for others, and I’m distracted from it.  Why is it always there?  I have no bloody idea.  I just have to keep facing it, and right now, I am honestly losing the ability to be coherent.  Or maybe I lost it a while back.  Whatever the case, it must end.  And soon.  I’ve probably said something about this fear before, but as I said, it keeps cropping up.  My own nemesis… fancy that, I’ve got a nemesis.  It’s not all it’s cracked up to be, and I don’t have the brain capacity to get into it at the moment, so I must leave.

I have quite a bit to pray for and bring to the Lord, so I ask that you’d all pray for me, and I – as ever – intend to do the same for all of you.

God bless,

M